Expectations vs Reality

close up of backlit laptop keys

Where the fuck have I been?

Things have not gone according to plan the past few weeks. That’s the fun thing about plans I guess, life always gets in the way.

I’d established a routine that was working for me. Journal to decompress and clear my head, cup of tea, listen to ambient thunderstorms, and write. Writing time was worked into my daily schedule. I signed up with London Writers Salon and had begun waking up early for the morning writing sessions. I found a nice balance between work, volunteering, and creative writing role play. I had even started including exercise into my regular schedule.

The day after my birthday I wound up in urgent care.

Pain woke me up in the middle of the night (not unusual), took some anti-inflammatories, and went back to bed. The pain didn’t stop. It continued getting worse until I could barely sit up or speak. Sadly, after a twelve hour stay, and three separate follow ups, I still don’t have a clear answer about what’s going on. The current assumption is that my auto-immune condition has led to a liver infection, and I’m waiting for a referral to a specialist to investigate further.

The hospital gifted me COVID. It was a long two weeks. Between the side pain, and the sinus pressure, I was absolutely miserable. I fell behind in nearly everything (work, volunteering, housework, blogging, writing.

Halfway through September I got back into a writing routine and exceeded my word count goals for the remainder of the month. WIth NaNoWriMo around the corner, I set a loftier goal for October and started the month very strong.

Now imposter syndrome has set in and I’m warring with myself again.

I have a clear idea of what I want for my opening chapter and have made several attempts to finish it, but I don’t feel confident about any of it. I’ve signed up for critique circle to kick my ass in gear, but I still don’t have a completed chapter to present, and only two more days until the event.

I had hoped that I was nearly passed the lack of confidence about writing. Volunteering with my local Writers’ Guild has helped me gain connections and find my own niche writing community. It has been encouraging to connect with other people, but I need to meet them halfway and begin contributing more in turn.

I’m behind on my writing targets for October, and I’ll keep trying to do as much as I can. I have to remember to be proud of my accomplishments as I go as well. I wrote 14,970 words in September, and 11,511 so far in October. The total for the year so far is 56,144. In 30,000 more word, I will exceed what I wrote last year.

I am doing well. I am writing. The rest will come in time.

I’m going to try getting back on a regular writing routine.

Wish me luck!

Photo by Hitarth Jadhav

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